A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:

"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

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Well after a long hiatus I thought a new Friday Joke is was order in the new year!

A burglar broke into a house and shined his flashlight around looking for valuables.
He picked up a CD player when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying 'Jesus is watching you.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight and froze.
When he heard nothing more he continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out he heard: 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically. Finally, in the corner of the room his light beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind that would name a Rottweiler Jesus'.

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* *BANG*

Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?''

Its been a while but I'm slowly trying to get back in to blogging. To make up heres something to make you smile for the weekend. Enjoy!

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her..... you know the kind.

He copied down the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, I'll give her a call.

'Hello?' the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it rough, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it, and I'm on an expense account so money doesn't mean anything. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, Sir, but for an outside line you need to dial 9'.

Its been a couple of weeks since the last Fridays joke as I've been crazy busy recently. I have also been following the recents bits of info leaking out as ColdFusion 9 and Bolt ColdFusion Builder have been doing the rounds at the UG's recently, so now is as good as time as ever to check out your local user group. Enjoy!

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2009! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

And Paddy said, ' How da hell was I 'spose to pick them up !!!

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition,but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year school children, using a bowl of Fruit Loops, the cereal with the hole in it.

He gave all the children the same kind of loop, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began to say:

'Red.............cherry,'
Yellow.........lemon,'
'Green..........lime,
'Orange .........orange.'

Finally the professor gave them all 'honey' loops.

After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:

'Oh My goodness!!!! They're arse-holes !!'

Please update your bookmarks and feeds for my site.

I now have a Mango Blog at:

http://www.andyjarrett.com/blog

Feed URL: http://feeds.feedburner.com/andyjarrett

Don't forget if you've got a corker of a joke sitting in your inbox to send it in and you'll be entered in to my Scotch on the road competition where you can win a free ticket to one of the 3 events being held up and down the country. Enjoy!

One Monday morning the Postman is riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.

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For first prize in the the Fridays Joke: Scotch on the Road competition there is now 1 ticket for Scotch on the Road up for Grabs! You can use this ticket at ANY of the three venues, London, Manchester, or Edinburgh

Nick Tong from TalkWebSolutions.co.uk has sponsored my Fridays Joke: Scotch on the Road competition to offer this prize so get your entries in.

The prizes:

• 3rd place will get their joke posted on my blog on Monday, June 1st which is the first day, London, conference.
• 2nd place will get their joke posted on my blog on Wednesday, June 3rd which is the second day, Manchester, conference.
• 1st place will get 1 Ticket to Scotch on the Road and they will be the Fridays Joke on both my blog and the Scotch blog on the June 5th which coincides with the last day Edinburgh event. Plus there is a bottle of whisky i'm giving away that I was fortunate enough to win at a previous Scotch event

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Update: First Prize now includes a Free ticket to Scotch on the Road. Nick Tong from TalkWebSolutions.co.uk has sponsored my Fridays Joke: Scotch on the Road competition so get your entries in.

I'm running a "send in a joke" competition for the Scotch on the Road conference and it's simple, all you have to do is send a joke!

The prizes:

• 3rd place will get their joke posted on my blog on Monday, June 1st which is the first day, London, conference.
• 2nd place will get their joke posted on my blog on Wednesday, June 3rd which is the second day, Manchester, conference.
• 1st place will get 1 Ticket to Scotch on the Road and they will be the Fridays Joke on both my blog and the Scotch blog on the June 5th which coincides with the last day Edinburgh event. Plus there is a bottle of whisky i'm giving away that I was fortunate enough to win at a previous Scotch event

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Another one sent in. Enjoy!

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist when early in the morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30AM.

I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45.

The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

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This morning I was randomly checking my blog stats which I haven't done for ages and found out my previous post was my 1000th!!! So with that I thought I should publish a few more stats for those interested, because I didn't even realise that this had been running for nearly 6 years!

Total Number of Entries:	1000 (1001 including this one)
First Entry:	09/28/03
Last Entry:	04/21/09
You have been blogging for:	2031 days
Total Comments:	786
Total Views:	1680372
Average Views Per Entry:	1680.37

This weeks joke was sent in last week by Cliff Pearson, enojoy!

A man walks into a bar and sits down right across from the bartender. The bartender sees the man poking at his hand and putting it next to his ear, and asks him, "What are you doing?

The man replies, "Oh, it's the newest technology -- I have a phone built right into my hand." The man puts his hand next to the bartender's ear and, sure enough, the bartender hears a dial tone.

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Better late then never :) enjoy!

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, while conscious, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes filling with tears. "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times: When i got fired, you comforted me. When my business failed, you supported us both. When I got shot, you nursed me back to health. When we lost the house, you endured living in a shabby rented flat.

Now my health has started failing and you are still right by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, why don't you just fuck off."

To give you a little background; this letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.

Dear Lions Bay School,

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Another one sent in. Enjoy!

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all.

Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shoot!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

An elderly couple, Helen and Bert, moved to Texas

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Helen looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

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A group of 4 Microsoft .NET programmers and a group of 4 ColdFusion programmers are going on a train to Scotch on the Road. The MS programmers buy a ticket each, and then watch the ColdFusion programmers proceed to buy one ticket between them.

The MS programmers are intrigued and when they get on the train, they watch the ColdFusion programmers to see what they do when the guard comes to check the tickets. It turns out that, before the guard comes, they all cram into the toilet. The guard knocks on the door, and asks for the ticket. The guard takes it from under the door, and slides it back.

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Scotch on the rocks road went live this week with a spanking new site. Not only that but you can now also buy tickets for this on the road event. So with that in mind a SOTR related joke is needed. Enjoy!

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch on the rocks. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.

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